The Dilemma
I’m currently writing from George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia, where the Go Congress is taking place. It’s been refreshing to get away from things for a little while to gain a bit of perspective.
The biggest difference between this summer and the last is that I have a job now that keeps me busy from 9-5. While the experience has been immensely valuable, it has brought with it a really difficult situation that has been depressing me for quite a while. Where before I had all day in the summer to spend hanging out with friends and with my girlfriend J, I’m finding myself wishing I had more time to do all the things I want to do. With the little time that I have to spend, I’m practically forced to pick which areas of my life I can actually give my time (and inadvertently, which ones are left to neglect).
It’s impossible to balance my time among work, friends, sleep, J, and personal time. While I’m okay with sacrificing sleep and personal time, the other three are not as open to compromise. Work takes on a fixed amount, so ultimately, the problem at hand is being able to spend time with J and with my friends. By time I get home from work, it’s 5:30, so the only free time I really have is the night (typically after dinner).
To remind you all of my situation, J and I are in a long-distance relationship where we spend roughly 8 months of our time 3000 miles apart from each other. The school year was really difficult for us, but we were able to persevere and make it to the summer, though not without strain on the relationship. By the time summer began, our relationship was very rocky, there were so many unresolved problems, and it seemed like we were practically fighting everyday. Once we were out of school, there was no question that we needed to spend a lot of time working our problems out, gaining trust, and getting back to where we used to be. And in the past couple weeks, we’ve come so far, and things now are fantastic. We’ve grown more mature and are better able to handle our issues, and I couldn’t be happier with her than I am now.
The problem was, at the same time I was trying to strengthen my relationship with J, many of my friendships grew weaker, and now I’m finding myself the odd one out whenever a group of us hang out - being out of the loop, not being invited to hangouts, etc. I can feel the emotional distance with some of them, and it really makes me sad. I don’t know what to do about it either, because so much of it seems beyond my control. Even now, with the little time I have, I would like to spend it with J since we barely see each other during the school year. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend any time with my friends, because I really love them and wish I could hang out with them more. It’s been especially difficult, though, because they’ve gotten into the habit of assuming that I’m always busy or with J, and thus, we miss out on chances to hang out together. Moreover, whenever I hang out with J and skip out on hangouts with them, I’m pretty sure some of them think, “oh, he doesn’t think we’re important enough” or something along those lines. And so the vicious cycle continues to reinforce itself, and I feel hopelessly trapped by my circumstances.
So that’s what I’m dealing with right now.
Let’s make this very clear - I’m not trying to blame anybody. Nor do I seek sympathy for the situation I’m in. I know that I can’t have everything, and that I can’t possibly expect my friends to treat me exactly the same way they did a summer ago. All I want is to still feel included, to feel like I still belong. I really miss them.
