the flirt
Often I am asked the question, “what is your biggest regret in high school?”
To me, the answer is rather easy.
In high school, I was known for a number of things, and one of them was being “a flirt.” Especially during my senior year of high school, when I felt like I had nothing to lose, I was, according to my friends, quite the “manwhore.”
Coming out of a very unhealthy relationship, more than once I started talking to girls who I thought were cute and would flirt around with them without knowing what I was really doing, possibly in part because it’s one of the ways I know how to best communicate and talk to someone. Sometimes, I do it rather unconsciously. On more than one occasion, the girl would end up developing feelings for me, and I would backpedal quickly and cease conversation with her, realizing that I didn’t want to get involved with anything or make any commitments. For one thing, I wasn’t the hook-up type. And for another, I was definitely not prepared to dive into another emotionally-consuming relationship. This left me with very little choice.
What’s worse is that often after cutting off one of those “flings,” it wouldn’t be very long before I went onto another girl and did the same thing. You’d think that I would notice the cyclic nature of this behavior, but I don’t think I did much thinking back then.
Looking back on this, I begin to wonder why I behaved the way I did around girls. Why I was so emotionally manipulative. Why I was so insensitive. And while there is no complete justification for behaving the way I did, I’ve still reached some conclusions.
First, I was seeking for validation. My previous relationship had ended on bad terms and left me riddled with insecurities and doubts about whether or not I was even a “good catch” in the eyes of others. By getting these girls to like me, I would be able to boost my confidence a little more.
Second, in many ways, it was really just a game. An intellectual sport, if you want to call it that. I chose my words carefully, and I calculatingly controlled the kind of impression I gave off. As horrible as it sounds, there’s a strong sense of empowerment in being able to smooth talk someone into developing feelings for you.
And third, I think I was just lonely. I yearned for attention. I wanted to connect to someone in a way that was fulfilling and exciting. Romantic relationships, I believe, are the best avenue to such connections, but I should have figured that connections spawned so quickly and only by the shallow manipulation of words would never be able to bring that level of fulfillment.
I messed with so many girls this way; some of them were hurt and others became upset at how much of a jerk I was. From the beginning, I had always had a bit of a reputation for flirtatiousness, but it reached new heights after this series of dick-moves. Each time I genuinely felt guilty at having treated a girl in this way, but time and again I found myself in the same situation over and over, each time ending the same way. Eventually, I came to realize that unless I was looking for a hook-up, I wasn’t going to get anything out of these flings.
So I just stopped. It was too late, though - the damage had already been done. I had hurt some people, and my reputation preceded me. I stopped looking for something I couldn’t force into existence. I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but I got lucky. I found J. While how we got together is quite a long story in itself, it was the first healthy, emotionally involved relationship I’d been in. How deeply we connected blew my mind away, and it served to truly magnify the inefficacy of my previous attempts to find something even close to as meaningful. And slowly, I began to change.
Today, an overwhelming number of my friends at Princeton are female. But I can say that I didn’t become friends with them by trying to flirt with them. There were no deliberate machinations, no attempts to make certain impressions, nothing. I just felt like I didn’t need to. And while I must admit that once in a while the temptation is there, I just know that with my relationship with J I’ve already found what I want. And that it came with time, almost inevitably on its own.
So when people ask me what I regret the most about high school, the answer is not something like “taking more AP classes,” “applying myself,” or “making more friends,” but always “flirting with so many girls.” Even now, talking about it always makes me feel ashamed, but I am writing about this because I feel that it is still important to acknowledge how much this relationship has changed me. I’m far from perfect and have much to work on, but at least I know that I’m headed in the right direction.
