ivy league nobody

This month marks the 7th month since my relationship with J became a LDR (long distance relationship). She’s in California, and I’m here on the opposite side of the country, 2782 miles and 3 timezones away. Believe it or not, we’re doing better than ever, and we’ve definitely settled into a state of comfortableness and are accustomed to our separate but still connected lifestyles.

After graduating from high school, there was a lot of skepticism and general cynicism from other people regarding the outlook for our relationship. Stereotypes, cliches, jaded attitudes toward love and relationships in general. I have to say that I’m unabashedly a hopeless romantic. I can’t say that I know what the future has in store for J and me, but I can attest that this refusal to buy into the prevailing mindset of negativity has been essential in bringing us this far.

A lot of people here, when they find out that I’m in a LDR, are often bewildered and just amazed that we’ve been able to make it work. They wonder what we do, how far we go out of the way for each other, and what sacrifices are required to make it work. It hasn’t been easy, but our relationship has grown so much from this. So here I’ll break down just a few of the things we’ve done to make it to where we are today.

• Settle into a schedule. J and I worked some of our class schedules together so that we wake up around the same time and have classes together. Since I’m 3 hours ahead of her, it’s been a little difficult, but she’s been a trooper and taken some 8, 9 AM classes. Over on my side, I’ve sort of adopted a rather nocturnal sleeping schedule, so I sleep when she does. But that’s by choice, and not by some sort of necessary measure to make this relationship work.
• Every bit counts. When you’re so far apart, any sort of action to bring each other into your daily life really helps to make the day a little better. J and I sometimes call each other in between classes. We write little pick-up notes to each other. Or sometimes we’ll just surprise the other with a spotaneous gift from afar.
• Involving each other. While being in entirely different environments creates interesting topics for conversation, it also makes it really difficult to identify with the other’s situation. J and I try and tell each other about our classes, our days, and about our friends at college. We show each other pictures of friends on FB or pictures of specific parts of campus, etc, so that we can better imagine each other’s stories.
• Webcam. Years ago, before all these forms of digital communication came about, I can understand why people thought it was almost impossible to make a LDR work. Writing letters back and forth only works for some people (J’s parents were separated for seven years before they got married!), but now with IMs, cellphones, texting, and the webcam, the distance has been bridged greatly. J and I webcam with each other everyday, and we talk to each other. But we also just leave the webcam on and do our own thing, whether it be studying, looking at lolcats, reading tumblrs, or anything of general lulz. She and I have settled into this habit of surfing the interwebs together and sharing URLs of things we find interesting with each other. Some people find it a little weird, but for us it works. Just knowing the other person is there does a lot to make us feel less lonely.
• Plan visits. So far, I’ve been down to J’s college twice and I’m going to be down there again in a week. (BTW, I love it. Wish I could’ve just gone there instead, hahaha.) After that, she’s coming up here with me for a week, and we’ll be spending time in Princeton and up in New York. We get to see each other every 2 months or so, and that really makes the distance bearable. They give us something to look forward to, and they also allow us to make plans and have something to talk about. And just being able to go to each other’s schools and meeting the friends your S.O. tells you about all the time only makes it so much easier to understand what their life is like.
• Trust each other. Let’s be honest - if either of us wanted to hook up with people here, we could hide it easily, and the other would never know. But all we really can do is just let go and trust. I mean, it’s not fair to be suspicious when your S.O. could just as easily feel the same way about you.
• Know what you want. Of course, J and I aren’t just fooling around and seeing where this relationship goes. We both know what we want, and we have reason to believe that this is it. I think one of the biggest ways LDRs fails is because one of the parties wants something different from the other - as a result, someone always tries harder and the other doesn’t give as much. J and I both want something serious, and because of this very even mutuality between us, we know we’re not setting up the other for disappointment.

But if I were to sum these things up, or give some sort of bottom line, it’d be to always have faith in your relationship. Really cherish it. No matter what happens, no matter how bad it gets, just don’t forget why you’re in this relationship to begin with. Embrace positivity, and don’t let the world’s views bring you down. I know this kind of idealistic thinking doesn’t bode well with some people, but it works for me. Some people say that LDRs only work for certain people, and well, I guess I might be one of them.