Separation
It’s been a good 10+ days since my last update, but that’s because J was up here with me at Princeton for her spring break. We spent a lot of time in New York, and we also spent a lot of time being egregiously lazy and loving it.
Everytime J and I part ways and go back to our respective schools, the emotions are always the same. I’m overcome with sadness, the reality of our circumstances much more evident than ever. There’s no act more painful than the actual moment of separation. And yet, though the same feelings continue to resurface time after time, they always feel new and foreign.
The one good thing is that everytime we leave each other, we are very acutely confronted with the realization of how much we really mean to each other. It’s not that we take each other for granted, but that when we are together, or even apart, we are able to ease into a routine that feels comfortable. But at the end of our times together, when we separate, there is no moment where I am more keenly aware of how much I love her and how much she means to me.
When I look back, I realize I spent 17 days with her by my side - we were inseparable, spending almost every waking moment together, with the exception of going to classes. When I think about it, that is probably the longest duration I’ve spent with someone in such close proximity, and definitely the most intimate one too. When J left to go back to California, it hurt a lot. But the pain was just as noticeable later that day when I realized how… remarkably lonely I felt, even though everything at Princeton was still the same. On more than one occasion, I’ve had to stifle my tears when I am reminded of her presence daily. It was her first trip to Princeton, and now, everything in this room has been touched by her presence, and at the same time, they are now all reminders of her absence. It’s no wonder I feel lonely.
It’s funny, how it’s always the little, simple things that we miss the most. I miss coming back from class everyday knowing that she’s in my bed, waiting for me with a hug. The bed feels so empty now.
