mediocrity
These past few weeks, R and I have had multiple discussions about some of our peers at Princeton, all of which have left both of us feeling rather inadequate about our own abilities. We both usually conclude to be “inferior subhumans,” and while I know that this is certainly not the case, the question still stands in my head - why am I here?
In high school, I did fairly well on standardized tests and in my courses. I had some extracurriculars on the side, but nothing out of the ordinary, in the big picture of things.
Right now, in my writing seminar class, I’ve been having the toughest time writing about the graphic novel. For a class about comic books, the content is surprisingly abstract and philosophical. Writing about historical representation, and witness and testimony, for example, have strained my mind a little bit. My research paper is about Barefoot Gen as a Political Critique on Japanese Imperialist Attitudes. Over the course of the class, I’ve come to realize that my mind simply does not operate on the levels as some of my peers in this class. Theoretical arguments simply are words to me, and try as I might, they never fully register in my head. This understanding about my mental limitations were a key factor in my decision to switch to the School of Engineering a little over a week ago.
R and I both work in the Student Design Agency at Princeton, and we’ve often talked about whether we belong here. I have no doubt that she deserves to be here, but I still wonder about myself. I slack off, skip classes, and procrastinate. I’m decent at math, computer science, and sciences, but I’m nothing special. What do I bring to this campus, really?
In our discussions, R and I have talked a lot about a certain member of SDA, AC, who is probably the most gifted person I know. Thinking about him makes me a little discouraged sometimes. Never mind that he was awarded the most prestigious honor an undergraduate could win, or that he won a Fulbright to study in the U.K.. In lieu of law school, AC chose to pursue graphic design fully, after starting SDA. He’s already won over some of the most famous designers of our time and was accepted into every art school he applied to. But really, it’s not the accomplishments that impress me.
AC and I talk a lot. It’s apparent from our discussions, his design work, or his papers that he’s shown me that he views life with a fundamentally different lens than I do. He looks, he inquires, he pursues. He’s never satisfied with what is — he pushes for what should be. AC’s life experiences have surely shaped him into the person he is today, but I can’t help but think that such ability can only be innate.
A lot of people here tell me that I remind them of AC. Many comment that I resemble him in some ways, and some say that our mannerisms are similar. Everytime I get one of these comments, I’m painfully reminded of something I know very well — that these are just surface-level similarities. We’re nothing alike. I look up to him, and he’s a mentor of sorts. But part of me just knows that I’ll never turn out to be someone like him.
